5 Things You Needed to Hear from Your South Asian Parents – and How to Heal Your Inner Child

If you grew up in a South Asian family, there are some dynamics, patterns, and interactions that are common in this culture that you might be able to relate to based on your own experiences.

This article highlights a few of the things that you may have needed – and wanted – to hear as a child that would have helped you feel cared for, supported, and safe.

This post also reviews some possible reasons why your parents may have struggled to express themselves in the ways you longed to hear - and how this affects you now as an adult in terms of how you see yourself, others, and the world.

As you read these statements and reflect on them, think about how you can start using some of these phrases in your own self-talk to boost your mood and self-esteem and, ultimately, heal your inner child.

1. "I love you".

The expression of love and affection is often difficult in South Asian households. Your parents may have grown up themselves with parents who had a hard time saying “I love you” and they continued this pattern with you.

They may have shown you they love you in other ways – cooking meals, keeping a clean home, helping you with homework, taking you to after school activities, instilling family values, and working long hours to provide for you and your siblings.

These practical ways of showing they care might have been easier and come more naturally to them. While this makes sense and is appreciated, it still isn’t the same as hearing your parents say they love you.

When you don’t have many opportunities to hear these words as a child, it may become harder to be kind and compassionate toward yourself – even to love yourself - but this is so important because the relationship we have with ourselves is something have for our entire lives.

Self compassion is part of what helps us feel worthy as a person. Learn to treat yourself with love and kindness.

2. "I’m proud of you".

While growing up in a South Asian family, your parents may have been so focused on you being the best in your class, your sports team, your other extracurricular activities, and so on that you felt you had to be perfect in every way.

Your parents may have pushed you to exceed so that you could have access to more opportunities in life – opportunities they may not have had themselves, especially if they are first generation immigrants who made the tough decision to raise a family in a new country that could offer their children more security, safety, and resources.

They may have believed that being hard on you would help you reach your full potential even though sometimes you just wanted to hear “I’m proud of you”.

Comparison may have also been a strategy that your parents used to keep you striving even more – being compared to your siblings, cousins, and friends may have been a common occurrence to encourage you to meet and go beyond their expectations.

You may have become a high-achiever and are successful now as an adult, but you might also have difficulty giving yourself credit where credit is due. You might feel that you aren’t good enough, that you’re an imposter at work, and that you don’t deserve your success. You could also be so focused on the next step or goal you have in mind that you move quickly through your achievements without taking time to acknowledge them.

As hard as it may be, try to celebrate small wins along the way and savour the moment when you reach a milestone before moving onto the next thing. Remind yourself that you worked hard to get where you are and you deserve good things that happen to you and that come your way. Most of all, tell yourself that you are enough – just as you are.

3. "Your feelings / needs matter".

In South Asian families, children are often encouraged to put other people’s feelings and needs first. The family often comes before the individual.

There seems to be a hierarchy in traditional families where elders are put first as a form of respect, meaning that the requests and perspectives from children often get the least attention.

Self-sacrifice is a common narrative in South Asian culture, so you may have learned that what you think, feel, need, or want is not important. You might have stayed quiet, remained obedient, and tried your best to ensure everyone else around you was ok at the cost of your own well-being.

If you tried to speak up, you may have been called selfish, rude, or disrespectful. This might have led you to minimize and dismiss your own needs. People pleasing and feeling guilty when you try to stand up for yourself could be themes you continue to notice today in your relationships with your family and others.

If you feel stuck in this way of thinking now as an adult, try to practice small ways of putting yourself first. Say “no” to something that isn’t aligned with your values or interests. Set a boundary with a loved one who wants more of your time than you can give – offer an amount of time that works for you or that considers your other commitments or obligations.

Remember: your feelings and needs matter, too. Prioritizing yourself across your relationships and in different areas of life will help you start to see yourself in a new way.

4. "I’ll figure how to deal with [insert issue] and let you know if I need your help or support".

Just as you may have grown up thinking that your feelings and needs didn’t matter, you may also have felt obligated to do anything your parents wanted you to do. Self-sacrifice, which is common in South Asian culture, can continue into adulthood and may reach a point where you no longer feel that you are in control of your own time, energy, or resources.

For example, some of your experiences may have included helping your parents with important paperwork, interpersonal communication, transportation, finances, caregiving responsibilities for family members, and other duties.

You may also be used to functioning in a role where you feel like you are their best friend, therapist, or mediator - while also being their child. You feel like the problem-solver, the fixer, the doer. You may be exhausted from this level of responsibility.

The sense of obligation may be so great that you wish they would take on some tasks and be more independent so that you don’t have to do it all. If they are hesitant, demonstrate a victim mindset, or make you feel guilty for pulling back, one suggestion is to find ways to gradually reduce the level of support you provide in small areas at first, watch how they start taking more steps forward, and provide encouragement and assist or supervise them as needed.

Over time, this could help build their own self-confidence and also free up more of your time and mental space so that you can begin to focus on yourself and other areas of life that need your attention.

5. "It’s not your fault. I take responsibility for what I said / did".

A common theme that you may have seen growing up in a South Asian family is that it may have been hard for your parents to be vulnerable. They may have had a difficult time telling you they love you. They may also have had trouble admitting mistakes - and accepting responsibility for them. They could have seen vulnerability as a sign of weakness and hid this part of themselves because they demanded respect and wanted to feel a sense of control in the family.

Any attempts you made as a child or youth to challenge their choices or decisions or to encourage them to acknowledge their role in a problem may have gone awry. As an adult, you might be keenly aware that your parents struggle to be open about things they have said or done that they wished they had done differently. Even more challenging for your parents may be the act of apologizing for their behaviour or taking full or partial responsibility for their actions.

While there may be times when your parents do come forward and apologize, this may not be consistent. To let go of any deep-seated anger, frustration, or resentment you may feel, you first need to acknowledge that you aren’t necessarily fully responsible for everything that has gone wrong in the past or that might go wrong in the future.

Shift your self-talk from shame and criticism to kindness and compassion. It’s time to let go of the things that you were never meant to carry in the first place.

Summary

South Asian cultural beliefs, values, and traditions are complex. While we may have learned the value and importance of family, we have also learned about stoicism, perfectionism, self-sacrifice, traditional/patriarchal views, victim mentality, and difficulty with vulnerability and accountability.

These challenges may have made it hard for you to build your self esteem, feel confident in your choices and decisions, establish your own identity, set healthy boundaries, and more.

Healing your inner child requires you to develop an understanding of the relationship patterns that impacted you as a child and what you can do to help yourself today, even if you didn’t get to hear the things you needed and wanted your parents to say to you while you were growing up.

Through this process, you are learning that you can love your family and also have the power to heal your own inner child, one step at a time.  Start by saying to yourself the things that you longed to hear. Slowly, you will begin to solidify your belief in your own worth and value.

Wishing you well on your mental health journey.

Davina Tiwari  MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist

https://www.imeaningful.com/

Read more blog posts about South Asian Mental Health.

If you are an adult in Ontario or Alberta seeking online therapy and would like to request a free 15 minute phone consultation, please Book An Appointment.