How to Deal with Your Mother-In-Law in a South Asian Family
- Davina Tiwari
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
***Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not provide medical, legal, or health advice and is not a substitute for mental health services
This article builds on the previous blog post about 5 Common Issues South Asian Daughters-in-Law Face with Their Mothers-in-Law where we explored key themes that many daughters-in-law experience with their mothers-in-law, such as traditional gender norms/roles, over-involvement of the mother-in-law in decision-making, an enmeshed (overly-close) relationship between mother and son, the theme of control, and the challenge of living together. These factors can all have a major influence on the daughter-in-law’s mental health, relationship satisfaction with her partner, and overall well-being. Of course, not all daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationships are filled with tension but this post is about those relationships that are difficult and where coping tools are essential.
As before, this post is in the context of a heterosexual relationship between the daughter-in-law and her partner. In these types of relationships, traditional gender roles and an enmeshed mother-son bond can add tension to the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship.
Below, you’ll find coping strategies to help you manage these complex South Asian family dynamics.
1. Work together as a team with your partner
You both need to be united in your decisions across different life areas – including housing, parenting, childcare, finances, and other aspects. Having a strong bond will help reduce your mother-in-law’s ability to cause stress, tension, and a divide between you and your partner.
If you and your partner are aligned, your relationship will be more resilient despite external pressures. This unity is crucial when it comes to approaching family obligations, navigating negative comments from your mother-in-law, and setting boundaries to protect your mental health.
2. Decide how to approach family commitments
Figure out together how you will handle holidays, birthdays, special occasions, and major life events. Compromising – perhaps by alternating holidays or setting aside time for just your small family unit – can bring balance and peace.
Being intentional can help you stay connected as a couple and keeps major events from becoming a source of conflict. Family commitments will also feel more peaceful when you have a clear vision in mind for how to approach these occasions.
Spending quality time with your partner or your small family will allow you to bring your best self to the extended family when you do come together as a larger group. It will also help reduce resentment that may otherwise grow under constant pressure to attend every family gathering.
3. Make a plan for how to navigate criticism, blame, and negative comments
Being blamed, shamed, and criticized by your mother-in-law regarding your appearance, personality, household maintenance, parenting skills, career choices, and other matters can seriously impact your mental health. This can lead you to experience low mood, low self-esteem, and feelings of overwhelm, shame, and embarrassment.
Have a conversation with your partner about how this issue will be addressed. Oftentimes, it is best for a partner to speak to their own parents to protect their spouse from engaging in direct conflict with them. Your partner can acknowledge the feedback while also reinforcing how you choose to handle things as a couple or being clear when something isn’t up for discussion due to sensitivity or privacy.
This strengthens the connection between spouses as both partners know they can trust and lean on each other despite difficult family dynamics.
Decide if comments from your mother-in-law will be immediately addressed or after some time for reflection. Be clear about the consequences if disrespectful comments persists, such as raising concerns immediately, reducing family visits, or changing who participates in certain family events as a form of protection.
4. Create boundaries to facilitate healthy relationships and mental wellness
Communicating with your respective families also involves telling your loved ones about your boundaries.
Some things you may want to decide on regarding both families are:
how often you will be in contact - weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, special occasions / events
what type of contact - in person, phone calls, video calls
where interactions will take place - your house, their home, a neutral location
what topics you aren’t comfortable discussing - your marriage, fertility issues, parenting styles, finances, politics, religion
who will be present - both partners, one partner, children
Maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if they are ignored or disrespected. Remember that boundaries are essential for your mental health at home, at work, and your personal / social life. Stay firm and protect your well being.
5. Manage guilt and practice self-compassion
Feeling guilty about setting boundaries is common – especially in South Asian families. You aren’t being rude, disrespectful, or selfish. Guilt is a normal feeling, especially when you are trying new behaviours that go against the traditional South Asian cultural values of self-sacrifice, obedience, people-pleasing, and other norms.
While remaining silent can avoid conflict temporarily, it can lead to overwhelm, isolation, anxiety, a depressed mood, and other difficult emotions. Sometimes, the cycle of silence needs to be broken to protect your mental health.
Self compassion can ease these feelings. Remind yourself:
I have a right to feel happy and peaceful
I deserve to feel safe and comfortable in my home
I am enough just as I am
I don’t have to prove myself to anyone
My feelings are valid
Other people’s needs aren’t more important than my own
I can focus on what matters most to me – my mental health, my relationship with my partner and the well-being of my children
Considering your values, needs, and wants – and those of your partner and possibly your children - can help you reinforce your boundaries even when it’s hard.
6. Accept that you can’t change your mother-in-law
No matter how much effort you put in, you can’t change your mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law won’t take accountability, be vulnerable, or consider other viewpoints and needs, there isn’t much you can do. Rather, focus on what you can control – your reactions and boundaries.
Sometimes, acceptance means grieving the relationship you hoped for but didn’t get. Giving yourself space for these feelings can help you move forward in a healthier way.
And, if your relationship with your mother-in-law eventually becomes civil or neutral, then recognize that as a sign of positive change.
7. Seek support and therapy for these family and relationship issues as needed
There are times when you might feel depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. You may develop sleep issues, health problems, have difficulty focusing at work, and feel like you can’t keep with everything you have to do in your personal life. You aren’t alone. Surround yourself with people you trust who care about you and support you.
You may also decide to seek an individual therapy for yourself to help you process your thoughts and feelings. Couples therapy could also help you and your partner work through issues in your relationship that are impacted by family dynamics. Seeking support is valuable for improving your mental health.
Summary
Relationships aren’t easy. Navigating a difficult mother-in-law relationship, especially in South Asian families where respect, obedience, control, and gender norms/pressures are common themes, can be very challenging.
Using coping strategies, including coming together with your partner as a team, navigating family commitments in a way that works for both of you, making a plan for how to handle negative comments, setting and maintaining boundaries, managing guilt, practicing self compassion, working toward acceptance, and seeking therapy and social support are all ways to help you get through these challenging times.
Prioritizing your well-being is key for managing complex relationships, including the dynamic with your mother-in-law.
Wishing you well on your mental health journey.
Davina Tiwari MSW, RSW
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist
Read more blog posts about South Asian Mental Health.
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