5 Common Issues South Asian Daughters-in-Law Face with Their Mothers-in-Law

***Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not provide medical, legal, or health advice and is not a substitute for mental health services

In South Asian families, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship can often be impacted by a range of issues. This post is written from the perspective of how these challenges affect the mental health and well being of the daughter-in-law. The next post will be about how to cope and navigate this relationship.

For context, this article describes those daughters-in-law who are in a heterosexual marriage with the son of their mother-in-law.

It’s important to note that not every daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship is filled with tension, frustration, and resentment. Many of these relationships can be loving, supportive, and uplifting. However, this post focuses on those women who are significantly affected by a difficult relationship with their mother-in-law.

If you are a daughter-in-law reading this article, here are some of the issues and themes that may come up in your relationship with your mother-in-law.

1. Gender roles

South Asian women are often expected to fulfill a wide range of responsibilities to keep the family home running smoothly. When you get married and become a daughter in law, this expectation persists as you adjust to your new family, especially if you live with your in-laws (more on that later).

Some examples of areas where you may be expected to take the lead are:

• cooking / meal prep

• cleaning

• child care

• supporting elderly parents

• maintaining family communication

You could be expected to meet your husband’s family’s needs while also juggling work, childcare, and your own family’s needs.

Even if you don’t live with your in-laws, you may still face judgement when your mother-in-law visits for not meeting their expectations in terms of how the house is kept, the children are being raised, and the type of meals you cook. These standards may feel impossible to meet and affect your confidence in how you show up in your marriage and in your relationship with your new family.

The level of responsibility put on you can be so high that you might feel burned out, overwhelmed, and frustrated. You may struggle to balance everything you have to manage each day. There could also be pressure to put your new family’s needs over your own, which further adds to the strain you are under.

2. Decision-making

Elders are often viewed in South Asian culture as holding wisdom, knowledge, and experience and should be involved in major decision making and/or be asked for advice or guidance as a form of respect.

You may notice that your in-laws expect to be included in decision-making about housing, finances, parenting, job/career, and other life milestones. Your husband may feel that he should listen to what his parents recommend rather than making a joint decision with you about next steps because being independent could be viewed as disrespectful.

If your husband tries to choose what you both prefer, the in-laws may blame you for "changing" their son or "influencing" him to go against them. Individuality is often seen as less important in South Asian culture than what the family needs or wants – any challenges to that value may result in you being criticized and blamed.

3. Enmeshment

Another common factor in South Asian families is an extreme closeness between mothers and their sons. The son may have been a fill-in for their father, who could have been emotionally or physically absent for different reasons, such as international work, separation / divorce, passing away unexpectedly, etc. The son may have become the primary emotional and practical support person for his mother and she may rely on him heavily, especially with advancing age.

This overly close relationship – enmeshment – can impact the relationship between you and your husband. Your mother-in-law may be feeling unimportant, irrelevant, and excluded now that her son is married and has other commitments and responsibilities. As a result, she may react to your and your husband’s relationship by trying to become even more involved in his life, making your relationship with your husband strained.

Your husband could also be used to fulfilling his mother’s needs and could have difficulty going against his mother’s wishes regarding how often they communicate or see each other. He may have a limited ability to advocate you when his mother makes a negative comment about you. He could also have challenges asserting his independence in terms of your shared views around finances, living independently, parenting, and other major life areas.

4. Control

Mother-in-laws may try to seek control in different aspects regarding the family unit. For example, they may want specific household routines to continue, such as how often and the way in which the house is cleaned, how food is prepared and cooked, how they are greeted and communicated with, and other family customs. They may also have certain beliefs about how you should dress or how you should raise your child / children. They may try to share these beliefs with you to try to get you to do what they think is best.

Keeping up family traditions/norms around holidays and special occasions could be another pressure point. Your mother-in-law may expect to celebrate your husband’s birthday or that he celebrates her birthday even if you and your husband may have other commitments in your own family unit, with your family of origin, or with your friend group.

If your mother-in-law feels that her ability to maintain power or control is being threatened in any way by your relationship with your husband, they may attempt to reclaim that control by acting in certain ways, both overt and subtle. This can look like:

• yelling

• name-calling

• slamming cupboards and doors or moving objects loudly

• saying things under their breath (and then pretending they didn’t say anything)

• guilt tripping

• ignoring your boundaries or needs

• silent treatment

• passive aggressive comments

• comparing you to other women in the family (other daughters-in-law, cousins, family friends)

• attempting to get your husband to side with them or see their point of view

• keeping secrets from you as a form of exclusion

• not including you in family chat groups or family / social / community events

• trying to undermine you in some way – giving you false information so that you make a mistake and feel embarrassed or ashamed

• questioning or challenging your choices or decisions

• gaslighting behaviour – saying or doing something to make you feel confused (e.g. hiding things from you and then putting it back, saying they didn’t say or do something when you know they did, etc.) to the point where you think you are going crazy

These behaviours may be hard to read and process but are an important step for you to go through to understand what kind of dynamic you are dealing with so that you can explore how to approach it proactively with your husband.

5. Living together

If you are in a situation where you live with your mother-in-law, then the issues you face may intensify as you would be seeing your mother-in-law on a constant basis. When you are in close quarters, there can be a lack of privacy, independence, and freedom.

You may feel that you can’t have any personal conversations with your husband or be on the phone with your family or friends for fear of being overheard. Going outside of the home to have these conversations may be needed to ensure privacy.

Having your own personal space where you can fully be yourself and relax may feel impossible, especially if you don’t have your own separate area of the home (e.g. a basement with a separate entrance) or if your parents insist on using the entire house.

Your ability to do things in your own way – cook foods you want to eat, clean at a pace that works for you, decorate or organize your space in a meaningful way to you – may all be things you struggle with under the watch of your mother-in-law who may hold different expectations or preferences in the family home.

If you are planning to go out in the evening to see your friends, family, or simply go to an exercise or hobby class, a coffee shop, or shopping, you might be asked where you are going or when you are coming back home.

The constant check-ins and communication may make you feel stifled - like you have no room or space to breathe - which can have a significant impact on your mental health.

Final Thoughts

The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship in South Asian families can involve many complex feelings, including anxiety, guilt, resentment, stress, and burnout. This article has explored some of the key issues you could be facing in your relationship with your mother-in-law.

With this framework in mind, the next blog post will focus on what you can do to cope and manage this relationship as you move toward healing and peace.

Wishing you well in your mental health journey.

Davina Tiwari  MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist

Read more blog posts about South Asian Mental Health.

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